christakatarina

These last days have been so exhausting. Not only have I been sick, I also started to worry about the future again. When I came home from Barcelona after studying there last year, I felt like my life was over. I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I had no motivation to do anything. This time the motivation is there, but I'm just so confused and stuck in my own head. I'm gonna try to explain.

 

When I first started to study English in January, I was pretty sad about it. I felt like I had to go to Uni only because I didn't have anything else to do at that time. I went to an interview at Coop in January as well, and I told them that I was going to study. On my way home from the interview I was mad at myself, why did I say that? It would have been so much better if I didn't mention school, maybe they could have given me enough hours at Coop so I could drop out of school.

 

I hated English, the only reason I did this course was because I was dreaming about going to another country to work (and of course, because I didn't have anything else to do). I almost gave up after only a couple of weeks. I hated grammar, I wasn't happy with the teacher and I never thought I would pass my first exam. I was so afraid of failing, that I started to study every day. When I started to learn things, I also started to like it. English was fun. Grammar was fun. I even started to like the teacher. And when it was time for the exam... Of course I passed it! I didn't only pass, I got 94%! And a VG. That felt good.

 

I've never really believed in myself. I don't think that I'm really bad at things, I'm just not good enough. I always think that I'm gonna fail so I usually don't even try. I'm still proud of myself because of that exam though, and I try to think about that when I need motivation. Before university I was really bad at English. And I'm not one of those bitches who just say that they're bad because they want someone to say that they're good. I really was bad. I almost failed English in high school.

 

Anyway, after this grammar course I noticed that I actually liked to study. If I had to choose between school and work, I would definitely choose school. So, back to the subject and why I'm confused. I went to this blueberry meeting today and got to talk to a really nice girl. I told her my plans about moving to London and that maybe I would like to study there. We talked about what kind of things I'm interested in, and she gave me a lot of things to read at home.

 

Now I'm sitting here and can't decide what to study. Personal  training would be fun, but t looks like I haven't studied the right subjects in college to get in. Social work sounds interesting, but would I really like it? Tourism could be fun too, but where will I work when I've finished my education? This would have been so much easier if it was in Sweden. You can apply so many times, you can change courses whenever you want and you never have to pay for anything. Studying in London would mean a huge loan.

 

I'm also worried about living in London. It is so expensive there and it would be impossible to rent an apartment with a loan. Which means that we would have to live in a shared apartment. I really hate the thought of sharing something with others, I want my own space and I don't want to get disturbed my others. And imagine living in a shared apartment for three years, my god. So I don't only need to find a school, but a job as well.

 

I just feel so stressed and sad now. It's one of those days when everything feels impossible. I just e-mailed Maria (the girl I met today) and asked loads of questions. Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow. I need to apply soon.