christakatarina

I seriously got the nicest comment ever, but I decided to not publish it because it felt a little too private. But I really appreciate what you said and it's nice to know that there actually is somebody who understands my stress, anxiety and panic. Like you said, it's easy for people to feel sorry for you, but they can never understand how it really feels. I wouldn't say that I talk a lot about my problems. I mention that I'm bad those days when it all really feels impossible so that my closest friends know that they should be nice that day, haha. But no seriously, they usually say 'it's gonna get better' (because they can't really say anything else, can they?) and then we change the subject. But it's nice to hear that somebody knows exactly how it feels, it takes that lonely feeling away for a little.

 

The thing is that all human beings suffer. It's just a question about time and reason, I guess my time has been now. I always feel stressed. Stressed about life, stressed about making the wrong decisions, about doing the wrong thing... I would say that everything stresses me more or less. I guess it's pretty normal to feel like this when you're young though. Life Changes, you grow up and the decisions you make now will decide pretty much your whole life (but you can of course just change your mind and decide something else later).

 

Another thing that really stresses me is the feeling of not being good enough. I want to be as good as I can for everyone I know, and I feel like I can't since I'm never gonne be able to be everywhere. My biggest fear is that people are gonna start thinking that I don't love them when I move to England. Like I chose a life in England over my family and friends. I can never feel that I'm a perfect friend that everyone deserves. I can never feel that anything I do makes me good enough as a girlfriend.

 

The never being good enough feeling goes hand in hand with the feeling of lonliness that I have sometimes. I feel unwanted and unloved (because I'm not good enough), even though I know that I have the greatest people who love me. It's hard to describe how it feels, and it's hard to know exactly where this all comes from, but I can tell you it's really hard.

 

Anyway, thank you so much for your comment. It warms my heart still.